Day 135 Wordless Wednesday

Tee hee hee.... i just don't think it is possible for me to participate in something that requires me to be silent. I want to, i really do. But.....

When i was a teenager i had some serious problems with depression that just about wiped me off the face of the earth. I suffered tremendously and i didn't understand at all why i was so weird and unhappy. Especially compared to the other kids i knew during high school. Dang they seemed to be having so much fun! Me? I moped, sloped, and basically hung my scraggly head all over the halls of school and in my neighborhood. I felt unloved, unlovable and completely bereft of friendship. Sounds bad doesn't it? Can you relate? I bet some of you can.

I used to have this daydream that i now realize was born out of anger and desperation. I would imagine myself living my life, never speaking another word. Never making another sound in the presence of a human being. Not a Sound, not a peep. As silent and dark as the night sky. I was dead serious. I would try it on for size and ignore people. Look them in the eye and close my mouth. It honestly felt like a huge relief when i imagined myself living like that. In some perverse and contradictory way i imagined that if i were able to remain silent long enough someone would notice. Duh... of course they would.

Anyway there is a point to this morose bit of history. I have seen this Wordless Wednesday posting of photos on people's blogs around the internet for months now. And have thought "Wow. Trying to convey something meaningful with one photo, a single image. What a great challenge!" So today when i remembered it is Wednesday i thought "hey! i could do it today..it is Wednesday by golly!" "Hey zippy! Wanna see what i am going to post for my Wordless Wednesday?"...silence..."Zippy? hey little dog"... silence. I snort in disgust at her lazy and uncommunicative way of napping through my exciting news.

So there i was with this colorful, amazing, simply beautiful photograph of my breakfast and i just knew it was a perfect for a Wordless Wednesday post. I mean you could find all sorts of meaningful images embedded in those berries and granola right?

So as things often do in life, one thing led to another and i found myself posting the picture but unwilling to be silent. I am no longer that girl who was so lost and sad. I have a lot to say and a lot to learn and i love connecting with friends old and new. It makes me happy when you talk to me in comments, emails, phone calls and face to face. I never want to silence myself again. Or anyone else.

Hmmm... I am a therapist. It is my profession, my calling, my saving grace. It runs deep in me to want to offer to other's an opportunity to talk. To share their hurt, express sadness and joy and to ask questions of themselves and about the meaning of life.

I still think Wordless Wednesday is a great challenge and fun project. It just isn't the right one for me. Maybe i could try that Skywatch Friday one.

What is it about your own blogging that speaks to your teenage self?
xo

Comments

[nyla]

Very poignant story about your experiment with silence as a teen. I would imagine this experience (and that pain) was part of what led you to become a therapist and help heal others! (I didn't know you were a therapist.) NO WONDER you're so insightful, sensitive and in touch!

[Kelly M]

It makes me sad to imagine you suffering and oh so happy to know you found your voice.

[georgie]

i have only visited your blog a few times b/c i have no time it seems. your pictures are gorgeous & your comments uplifting and thoughtful. much appreciated. i used to want to be struck mute when i was having an argument with my husband. no words could convey my frustration and pain, no words could make it right it seemed. i never thought of it as depression just intense mis-communication that seemed to hold no bridge across us. it happens rarely now, but i feel sad when i write this. our brains fire a bit differently and my syntax can be archaic. i like writing better than speaking even though i speak plenty. small children await now! thank you for your humor & your happiness that you share! hugs from humanity!

[rhayne]

What a lovely post.

I don't know many people who haven't battled depression sometime in their life. It hit me in my late teens and early 20's. And to this day, I still have to put self care high on my list and stay in touch with myself long before the deep stuff sets in. But you know, I wouldn't want it any other way. Knowing what it is like to be so down, it makes all of the good things in life so much sweeter. I have such a deep gratitude for all things...even the smallest things, because there was a time in my life when the gratitude was non existent.
And this is what I like to gather up and put on my blog. It is an expression of gratitude.
Thank you for shedding some beautiful light on this subject, and for being you! So wonderfully non silent! Your zest for life is so evident and contagious.
You shine, dear Robin.
Much love xoxo

[jeanie]

This looks like my breakfast, except the berries were blue. It was so good, I'm having it for lunch, too.

Well, I, for one, am very glad you decided not to live out your daydream, for your words (both on your blog and the wonderful comments you leave on mine) delight and entrance me and more often than not make me think. Which leads me to high school. I liked high school (I'm the one who did!) I wasn't a "popular" kid like a cheerleader or whatever, but I did a lot of theatre and music and I had good friends and we had such fun -- innocent fun. And in those groups, I was a verbal as the best. But in so many other venues, I was quiet. Not the best class contributor. Even today, in meetings, I'm generally not the one who feels compelled to pontificate or overstate the obvious. Seems like I learned a lot by listening, which probably helped when I was facilitating grief groups.

But put pen/paper/computer in front of me and boy, do the gloves come off! Whether it's my work writing that ends up radically edited, the tortured journal writings I did for so many years, or my blog, it just tumbles out! (I was the kid who thought six page papers were too short -- they were just an introduction!)

I suspect if I had the blog in high school, I probably would have been less likely to step out of my own personal and quiet shell, finding friendships on paper and not so much in the real world. The thing about "now" is that I know I can do both!

[Rosa]

I'm so happy that you are now a happy adult. I've gone through depression (as an adult) and I can't even fathom a child unknowingly living like that. Again, thank God you were able to live through it and talk about it now. Maya Angelou didn't speak for five years, so I don't think you're alone there. So glad to have your Robin. You're a blessing to many! Your breakfast is gorgeous!

[meg duerksen]

i have been a talker since i could talk.
my poor parents.
and teachers.
i try to control it more now that i am aware of it.
that had to be so hard to go through as a teenager. and hard for others to understand what made such sense to you at the time.
being a teenager is just plain hard i guess.
i don't get my teenager one bit. :)
i want to just scream at her "BE HAPPY!!!" but she's not on board with that idea.

i love your breakfast picture.
it's beautiful.

so happy to have met you this week.
-meg

[Jeanne]

Love and hugs and kisses
Jeanne

[Paula Scott (aka Molokai Girl)]

What a delicious post and breakfast!
Hmmm...teenage years. That's so long ago! Being acutely aware that I was never going to be 'just like everybody else'- not popular, not with the latest fads or hairdos or fashion. My body was VERY late in developing.I was short, small, looked much younger than my age, had braces. I was geeky looking. No boyfriend or guys asking me out. I made it my mission that not being the same was not going to stand in the way of being ME.
It's made me who I am today and I am grateful for that survival tactic.

[Sandra]

Robin Sings! :)
Sandra Evertson

[Relyn]

I'm with you - I don't do silent. Probably can't do silent. Am likely genetically wired to be unable to be silent. The thought of required wordless communication nearly sends me into a tizzy. In fact, whenever there is no one to talk to, I sing. I sing in the shower, in the car, in the kitchen doing dishes. I sing and am not silent.

Wow, I'm noticing the strong emotional response your post gave me. At first is was a quiet acknowledgement, but as I wrote. Oh my! You are a therapist, aren't you?

[jan]

robin, you've come a long way since your teenage years. you must be really proud of the woman you've become.

as a teenager i was the class clown. i was always the funny one, chatty and spontaneous. so i guess my blog reflects my teenage years in the fact that i ramble on about absolutely nothing, i'm as ditzy as they come and really don't care about people knowing it, much to my family's embarrassment. the years have mellowed the humor, but not entirely,as it shows up frequently on my blog. i'm still chatty and can always find something to blog about. life is good in our 50's, isn't it dear heart?

for those who are interested, it's http://jansdailydish.blogspot.com

[debi]

My teenage self was a writer. I was in advanced creative writing classes, won awards, etc. But never felt it was anything I could do anything with. Never felt what I had to say was important - not really, despite awards. But oh, baby. What I would tell that girl now. And I DO tell that girl now - write it down, don't be scared, so what if they laugh? Write it down, play the fool, enjoy it. Write it down.

I started blogging as a way to take my painting seriously, but have found now that I want to WRITE. It comes full circle. Now the pictures are illustrations for what I want to say. And all this from someone who constantly told the ever-wonderful Michael that I couldn't blog or paint because I had nothing to say!

:) Debi

[Annie]

Lovely photo. The only thing blogging reminds me of about my teenage years is that I loved to write :-). Still do.

[Liz]

You're a therapist... it all makes sense now. :) I cant say I'm surprised, you are so empathetic and insightful. Thank you so much for your comforting words about my friend. I really appreciated it.

[High Desert Diva]

Strange to think about blogging and my teenage self at the same time. Back in the day, no one I knew had a personal computer, there wasn't any internet....hell the only people who used computers were uber geeks. (probably millionaires now...)

So what is it about my own blogging that speaks to my teenage self?

Blogging is easy. Nothing about the teenage (angst) years was. This blogger is extremely grateful for the required typing class (a manual typewriter). At the time I cursed it and all the white out fumes I breathed.

This blogger knows friendship comes in many cyber forms and nationalities. The teenager didn't think outside a certain clique.

Mainly, this blogger is grateful to never have to be that teenager again.

[darlene]

beautiful photo!! yum!!

i was that teenager too only i dressed all punk and angry and loud ... it was the silent scream really and i remember the period where i would only speak when i had to and i ignored everyone around me ~ my sister was in intensive care for a lot of my high school so i had some anger and depression issues for sure. life is so much brighter now and oh boy do i love to talk and talk and talk :)

[Christa]

well this looks delic and what I have for breakfast sans the berries.. granola & yogurt... it is weird...as I never was a breakfast eater as I don't like eggs in their natural form as I get sick from them unless it is mixed and a part of something like meatloaf or frenchtoat, and frenchtoast, waffles and the like to me seem more of a weekend breakfast. I find now if I don't have the granola and yogurt I missed out on something.. very strange I am.. lol... well in my teenage years, I was pretty much the same, although I never thought about not saying anything.. it seems to me with age we come out of our shells... LOL. sometimes I never shut up (hubby wishes sometimes I would) and being involved with my alumni, I feel more popular out of HS then I did when I was in High School.. looking back has some nice memories and some not so nice, but I wouldn't trade it for the world, as that is what made me who I am. I am thinking that is the same for you, and what makes you so good at what you do... you do listen to people and by listening, you help by giving an alternative to have people see from a different angle.. it is similar to what you do with your photographs and your blog.. having people/friends and family see things from a different perspective.. great way to do that!! Also you have a great sense of humor and are a wonderful person.. I love hearing your "voice" wether is is through your writing, here or in email, and the gallery, or if it is through your wonderful videos. You are an extrordinary person Ms. Robin, please don't ever be silent!!!xo C

[Peggy]

Hmmm, that photo does speak to me.....it says make healthier choices. Breakfast for me, when I do eat in the mornings is usually a plate of grease ladden sausage or bacon....yes, a heart attack on a plate. I do believe a single image can speak volumes to people but I am so glad that you weren't silent today. ;) If you had been silent, I would have to listen to the voices in my own head. lol