The memorial service for my father was everything i could have hoped for. My sisters and i were close, my husband and daughter, nephews, nieces and spouses were there to say farewell. Each person's offering of love helped to ease the aching sadness of loss.
I know there has been a long silence on my blog. It hasn't been easy to know what i wanted to post so i gave myself time to unfurl. I believe I have willfully remained in a liminal state of suspense and anxiety about what the next stage of this 'right of passage' will be like. I literally feel i am standing upon the threshold of becoming an orphan, bereft of parental love and protection. In all fairness it is little more than a psychological state at this point in my life but frightening nonetheless.
I awoke this morning to a room illuminated with a burning glow. When i turned my head to the window i saw that the lace curtains were ablaze with glimmering light, the color of ripened mangoes. The sun seemed to be declaring with fervor that the break of day was upon us. It made me smile as i realized that today is my birthday. I thought of my parents and what this day, 56 years ago might have meant to them. I have never really thought about my birthday as belonging to anyone other than myself but today, i knew for the first time, that it belonged to three people equally, my mother, my father and me. Happy birthday to us all.
Which brings me to the title of this post. My visit to Chicago was not just about letting go of my father. Seeing Olivia made me just sing with delight. She said "hi Nee Nee" and hugged me when i came in the door. I was abruptly brought to the level of a two year old's world. And what a world it is!! Who knows better than a 2 year old how to live in the moment? Olivia is full of a wonder and curiosity that pulsates with joy.
This was the first time my husband Joe and i were able to visit her at the same time. The experience was amazing. I watched and listened intently as they visited the world of The Pigeon Who Wanted to Drive the Bus.
We were all transported to the immediate dilemma of that goofy pigeon who wasn't allowed to Drive The Bus. Poor pigeon had a tantrum.
Then there was a visit from my on-line friend Kelly who manages to come to see me every single time i am in Chicago. I know she also comes to see Olivia and to dwell in the land of the fleeting moments and experience this minute as the best place in the world to be. Ask Olivia. She was finding herself compelled to dance, and jump and do acrobats she had never ever dreamed of for the sake of entertainment. Who does that? :)
"Can you give Kelly a hug?"
And of course there is the fact that i was in the blissful presence of my own child. I cherish and adore my child and i followed her from room to room just like Olivia did. I think we both (me and Olivia) were after the same thing: to be immersed in whatever moment Rachel/Mamma happened to occupy as she went through her day. We seemed to bump into each other a lot as rachel was the only one who actually knew what she was doing. We were just along for the ride. Does anyone get what i mean?
Whenever i was touching Olivia, which was a lot of the time, I couldn't help but breathe in that moment as though it were the oxygen of life. I think loving a child is like that. It is for me. Like breathing in life and recognizing the gift of a beating heart.
And there was a wedding!!! My nephew and his new wife had a glorious celebration for us all. Isn't this just one of the best kisses you have ever seen?!?
This is my sister Lynn, mother of the groom, Jeremy. That is Joe my husband looking on. Everyone seemed to be glowing with happy. Not 'drunk happy, or party happy'. More like joyful happy. In the moment happy. You all know the difference i think.
I will leave you with a photo of my little angel. She throws tantrums, she sings, she talks to her bear and dances with any stuffed animal who is willing. She cries, she runs and tries to jump in the air. She is uncooperative about eating her vegetables, she isn't always reasonable about taking a nap. She is just perfect in every way. And she knows the secret of living right in the middle of now. She's not worrying about later or fretting about yesterday or setting goals for next year. She is immediate and right now and full of wisdom.
Love, robin
p.s. I am leaving for Phoenix in the morning to help close up my Dad's house. I promise i will answer your loving e-mails and visit you all as soon as i can.
p.s.s I have left you with a song that i think embodies this notion of living in the fleeting moment. If you want to listen you will need to click the start button on the player. Enjoy and think about it....
