I told my friend yesterday that when i'm lost in heartache i find 'normal' communication baffling. I try to use words and i attempt to explain or tell the story of what is causing me pain. But after awhile when i can't seem to find my way to the solace of friendship or the comfort of understanding through those words i give up and get quiet. In some ways i hold onto sadness because it seems that words are an inadequate way to honor pain.
Regardless of how i feel the reality still exists. My dad who is 86 years old is suddenly dying. I don't even like to say it. It is like reporting a fact for the record but doesn't say anything about his experience or that of all who love him and will miss him. But the thing is, i know each of you have faced death and know in some measure what it is like to stand in my shoes. So i want to tell you, to let you into my circle of silence. My mother died 14 years ago and that was a heart wrenching time. And yet now, with my father dying it seems nearly unbearable to know i will soon be without any parent in this world.
I'm not going to try and cheer myself up, or tell you "oh, i'll be alright". You know that already and i dislike stating the obvious at times like this :) I will be going to Chicago on Friday which is where my dad is right now. He's with my sister and that is a comfort to him i think. I will, as i always do, keep you close to my heart. Knowing you're all in my life makes me grateful. I have dozens of friends who care how i feel and send comfort and prayers. You are all a blessing.
love, robin
